Funny Christmas Quotes

Funny Christmas Quotes

Merry Christmas

Funny Christmas Quotes

Funny Christmas Quotes: When the Christmas are coming then the people should be share the funny christmas quotes Favorite someone. In the Funny Christmas Quotes, So many people are enjoy the  christmas funny quotes with family, friends and kids untill they should be lough. 

Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas Kin Hubbard

“Do give books – religious or otherwise – for Christmas.They’re never fattening, seldom sinful, and permanently personal” Lenore Hershey

Everything takes me longer than I expect. It’s the sad truth about life. JDonna Tartt

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. Dave Barry

Funny Christmas Quotes

“Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree.
In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall”

– Larry Wilde

Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard Andy Borowitz

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a yearVictor Borge

My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become ScroogeMelanie White

Do you know why so many people love Jesus? Without Jesus, no ChristmasMelanie White

Christmas: the only time of year you can sit in front of a dead tree eating candy out of socksAnonymous

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. Phyllis Diller

“One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don’t clean it up too quickly”

~ Andy Rooney

Merry Christmas Funny Quotes

Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall. Larry Wilde

Funny Christmas Quotes

Let’s be naughty and save Santa the trip. Gary Allan

Sata Claus has the right idea – visit people only once a year Victor Borge

Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for ChristmasKin Hubbard

“Do give books – religious or otherwise – for Christmas. They’re never fattening, seldom sinful, and permanently personal”

~ Lenore Hershey

Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for ChristmasKin Hubbard

“A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together”

~ Garrison Keillor

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out I’ll drink the redAnonymous

“Three Wise WOMEN would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, bought practical gifts, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and there would be peace on earth!”

~ Anonymous

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out I’ll drink the redAnonymous

“Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice”

~ Dave Barry

Funny Christmas Quotes

“Some people are born for Halloween,and some are just counting the days until Christmas”

Stephen Graham Jones

Funny Christmas Quotes For Kids

“I made myself a snowball, As perfect as could be, I thought I’d keep it as a pet, 
And let it sleep with me.I made it some pajamas, And a pillow for its head, Then last night it ran away, But first – it wet the bed!”

~ Shel Silverstein

“A chubby little snowman
had a carrot nose.
Along came a bunny,
and what do you suppose?

That hungry little bunny,
looking for some lunch,
Grabbed that snowman’s nose,
Nibble, nibble, crunch!”

~ Anon

Funny Christmas Quotes

“For your Christmas presents,
I thank you one and all.
For the big ones many thanks,
And fewer for the small.

~ Anon

Once there was a snowman,
Who stood outside the door,
He wished that he could come inside,
And run about the floor.
He wished that he could warm himself,
Beside the fire, so red,
He wished that he could climb
Upon the big white bed.

So he called to the North Wind,
“Come and help me, pray,
For I’m completely frozen,
Standing here all day.”
So the North Wind came along,
And blew him in the door,
And now there nothing left,
But a puddle on the floor!

~ Anon

Funny Christmas Quotes

“We have been helping with the cake,
And licking out the pan,
And wrapping up our packages,
As neatly as we can.
We have hung our stockings up,
Beside the open grate.
And now there’s nothing more to do,
Except To Wait”

~ Anon

Funny Holiday Quotes Sayings

“Twas the night before Christmas and Santa’s a wreck…
How to live in a world that’s politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to “Elves”,
“Vertically Challenged” they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the North Pole,
were alleged by the union, to stifle the soul.”

“Four reindeer had vanished without much propriety,
released to the wilds, by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear,
that Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!”

“The runners had been removed from his beautiful sleigh,
because the ruts were deemed dangerous by the EPA,
And millions of people were calling the Cops,
when they heard sled noises upon their roof tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe, had his workers quite frightened,
and his fur trimmed red suit was called “unenlightened”.”

“To show you the strangeness of today’s ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose.
He went to Geraldo, in front of the Nation,
demanding millions in over-due workers compensation.”

“So…half of the reindeer were gone, and his wife
who suddenly said she’d had enough of this life,
joined a self help group, packed and left in a whiz,
demanding from now on that her title was Ms.”

“And as for gifts…why, he’d never had the notion
that making a choice could cause such commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur…
Which meant nothing for him or nothing for her.
Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot,
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls and nothing for just boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific,
Nothing that’s warlike or non-pacifistic.”

Dear Santa Funny Quotes

“No candy or sweets…they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish upon the truth.
And fairy tales…while not yet forbidden,
were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden,
for they raised the hackles of those psychological,
who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.”

“No baseball, no football…someone might get hurt,
besides – playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist and should be passe.
and Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.”

“So Santa just stood there, disheveled and perplexed,
he just couldn’t figure out what to do next?
He tried to be merry he tried to be gay,
but you must have to admit he was having a very bad day.
His sack was quite empty, it was flat on the ground,
nothing fully acceptable was anywhere to be found.”

“Something special was needed, a gift that he might,
give to us all, without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy – with no indecision,
each group of people in every religion.
Every race, every hue,
everyone, everywhere…even you!
So here is that gift, it’s price beyond worth…”

~ Anon

“May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on Earth.”

“Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.”

– Andy Borowitz

“Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.”

– Dave Barry

“I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.”

Funny December Quotes And Sayings

“This holiday season, no matter what your religion is, please take a moment to reflect on why it’s better than all the other ones.”

“The principal advantage of the non-parental lifestyle is that on Christmas Eve you need not be struck dumb by the three most terrifying words that the government allows to be printed on any product: “Some assembly required.””

– John Leo

“What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present.”

“I hate the radio this time of year because they play “All I Want For Christmas Is You” like, every other song. And that’s just not enough.”

– Bridger Winegar

“I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange.”

“Adults can take a simple holiday for Children and screw it up. What began as a presentation of simple gifts to delight and surprise children around the Christmas tree has culminated in a woman unwrapping six shrimp forks from her dog, who drew her name.”

– Erma Bombeck

“That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.”

“Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas. You know, the birth of Santa?”

“For Christmas this year, try giving less. Start with less attitude. There’s more than enough of that in the world as it is – and people will usually just give it back anyway!”

– Anne Bristow

Funny Family Christmas Quotes

“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.”

– Shirley Temple

“Christmas is a time when you get homesick, even when you’re home.” Carol Nelson

“Let me see if I’ve got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn’t laundering illegal drug money?”

– Tom Armstrong

“Who’s the bane of Santa’s life? The elf and safety officer.” 

“Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, he must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, must be a pacifist. What’s in that pipe that he’s smoking?” 

“Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.” 

“Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it.”

– Richard Lamm

“The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.” 

“Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.” 

“Many banks have a new kind of Christmas club in operation. The new club helps you save money to pay for last year’s gifts.”

Santa Claus Quotes Funny

“There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.” 

“I bought my brother some gift wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.”

– Steven Wright

“Be careful with drinking this Christmas. I got so drunk last night I found myself dancing in a cheesy bar… or, as you like to call it, delicatessen.”

– Sean Hughes

“Christmas, here again. Let us raise a loving cup; Peace on earth, goodwill to men, and make them do the washing up.”

– Wendy Cope

“Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.”

“Although it is pleasant to think about poison at any season, there is something special about Christmas, and I found myself grinning.”

– Alan Bradley

“He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree.” 

“Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.” Andy Borowitz

“Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.” Andy Borowitz

“People can’t concentrate properly on blowing other people to pieces properly if their minds are poisoned by thoughts suitable to the twenty-fifth of December.”

– Ogden Nash

Funny Christmas Quotes

“A good holiday is one spent among people whose notions of time are vaguer than yours.” 

“Next to a circus there ain’t nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.”

Funny Christmas Vacation Quotes

“I like to compare the holiday season with the way a child listens to a favorite story. The pleasure is in the familiar way the story begins, the anticipation of familiar turns it takes, the familiar moments of suspense, and the familiar climax and ending.”

– Fred Rogers

“Elf’ has become this big holiday movie, and I remember running around the streets of New York in tights saying, ‘This could be the last movie I ever make,’ and I could never have predicted that it’d become such a popular film.”

– Will Ferrell

“Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.”

– Dave Berry

“One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.”

“As we struggle with shopping lists and invitations, compounded by December’s bad weather, it is good to be reminded that there are people in our lives who are worth this aggravation, and people to whom we are worth the same.”

– Donald E. Westlake

“Oh, for the good old days when people would stop Christmas shopping when they ran out of money.” Author Unknown

Christmas Eve Quotes Funny

“A Christmas shopper’s complaint is one of long-standing.”  Author Unknown

Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.”  Author Unknown

“The magi, as you know, were wise men — wonderfully wise men who brought gifts to the Babe in the manger. They invented the art of giving Christmas presents.”

– O. Henry

“Wretched excess is an unfortunate human trait that turns a perfectly good idea such as Christmas into a frenzy of last-minute shopping.”

– Jon Anderson

“Probably the reason we all go so haywire at Christmas time with the endless unrestrained and often silly buying of gifts is that we don’t quite know how to put our love into words.”

– Harlan Miller

Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.”  Author Unknown

“Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays. So there is a plural, which in the English language, necessitates the use of ‘s.’ I suppose you could say ‘Merry Christmas’ and ‘Happy New Year,’ but you probably have sh*t to do.”

– Jon Stewart

Funny Christmas Quotes

“I left Santa gluten-free cookies and organic soy milk and he put a solar panel in my stocking.” Author Unknown

“The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.”

– Jay Leno

Funny Christmas Wishes For Boyfriend

“Ever wonder what people got Jesus for Christmas? It’s like, “Oh great, socks. You know I’m dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They’ll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?”

– Jim Gaffigan

“Every year, Christmas gets longer and longer, and you don’t care, do you? Every year, you just take more of the calendar for yourself. How long does it take you people to shop? It’s beyond belief! It’s insane! When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn’t poking his ass into it!”

– Lewis Black

“This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.”

– Anthony Jeselnik

“I’ve had this look for about a year. I usually grow this beard out around Christmas. I like to go to malls dressed as Jesus, and I like to then walk around the mall and go, ‘No! No! This wasn’t what it was supposed to be about, people!’ Then if there’s a Santa at the mall, I walk up to him and say, ‘Listen, fat man, you’re just a clown at my birthday party.’”

– Marc Maron

Funny Christmas Tree Quotes

“If you can’t wrap Christmas presents well, at least make it look like they put up a good fight.” Author Unknown

“Christmas: it’s the only religious holiday that’s also a federal holiday. That way, Christians can go to their services, and everyone else can sit at home and reflect on the true meaning of the separation of church and state.”

– Samantha Bee

Funny Christmas Quotes

“Even before Christmas has said Hello, it’s saying ‘Buy Buy’.” Robert Paul

“Sending Christmas cards is a good way to let your friends and family know that you think they’re worth the price of a stamp.” Melanie White

“Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.” Author Unknown

 “Christmas Shopping: Wouldn’t it be wonderful to find one gift that you didn’t have to dust, that had to be used right away, that was practical, fit everyone, was personal and would be remembered for a long time? I penciled in “Gift certificate for a flu shot.”

– Erma Bombeck

“I get a little behind during Lent, but it comes out even at Christmas.” Frank Butler

“The outdoor Christmas lights, green and red and gold and blue and twinkling, remind me that most people are that way all year round — kind, generous, friendly and with an occasional moment of ecstasy. But Christmas is the only time they dare reveal themselves.”

– Harlan Miller

“There are some people who want to throw their arms round you simply because it is Christmas; there are other people who want to strangle you simply because it is Christmas.”

– Robert Staughton Lynd

Funny Christmas Slogans

“Out upon merry Christmas! What’s Christmas time to you but a time for paying bills without money; a time for finding yourself a year older, but not an hour richer…? If I could work my will,” said Scrooge indignantly, “every idiot who goes about with ‘Merry Christmas’ upon his lips should be boiled with his won pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his heart. He should!”

– Charles Dickens

“Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer… Who’d have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?”

– Bill Watterson

“Charlie, stay away from those things. They’re reindeer, you don’t know where they’ve been. They all look like they’ve got key lime disease.” Scott Calvin

“From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it.” Katharine Whitehorn

“One can never have enough socks. Another Christmas has come and gone and I didn’t get a single pair. People will insist on giving me books.” Professor Dumbledore

Funny Christmas Phrases

“I hate Christmas. The mall is full of nothing but women and children. All you hear is, ‘I want this,’ ‘Get me this,’ ‘I have to have this’… and then there’s the children. And they’re all by my store ’cause they stuck the mall Santa right outside ringing his stupid bell. As if you need a bell to notice a 300-pound alcoholic in a red suit. ‘Ho, ho, ho,’ all day long. So, nice as can be, I go outside, ask him to shut the hell up. He takes a swing at me. So I lay a hook into his fat belly and he goes down. Beard comes off, all the kids start crying and I’m the bad guy.”

– Al Bundy

Funny Christmas Quotes

“If you see a sign that says ‘Peep Show’, that doesn’t mean they’re letting you look at presents before Christmas.” Father Christmas

“Damn. How can you give Kris Kringle a parking ticket on Christmas Eve? What’s next, rabies shots for the Easter Bunny?” Santa Claus

“It may be a cliche, but it’s true – the build-up to Christmas is so much more pleasurable than the actual day itself.” Julie Burchill

“The best Christmas present I got from my husband was a week to do whatever I wanted.”  Olivia Haigh Williams

 

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